Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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