My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
