I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
