omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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