I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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