end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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