Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
