Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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