i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Hippo gnu deer
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
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