yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
