Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
operation harelip BJ is a go
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
