Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
