Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
