i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
