So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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