like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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