so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize