Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
