I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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