I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
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