You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Randomize
