at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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