Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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