I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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