I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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