So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
