I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
