Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
