so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
