But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
