You just made me feel so damn special
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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