I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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