new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
