if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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