She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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