Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Randomize
