hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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