I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Randomize
