One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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