I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
