I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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