he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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