Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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