I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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