she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
