This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
