I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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