did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize