My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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