Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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