It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
