Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
