Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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