before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
