i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
