My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
