He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
