my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
