i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
