Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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